when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
