You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
