no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
