Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
