Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
