You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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