oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
