Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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