Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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