the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
