currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
