I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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