so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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