You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
