toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
