well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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