What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
