you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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