i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
