Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
