Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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