You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Drunk is a universal language darling
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