remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
