went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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