yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
