There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
