Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
