They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
