I met the friendliest cop last night
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
