The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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