I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize