Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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