The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
