The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
