Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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