We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
