You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We are two peas in an std pod
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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