tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize