About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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