3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
