I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
