Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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