I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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