Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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