You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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