I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
