that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
