I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
