I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
