I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
