he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dicks are not precious.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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