Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
