No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
