I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
