why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
